


fuck the epilogues, i'm puppet master now

by ironicbird



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Epilogue fix, Gen, Kinda, basically im mad at the epilogues so i wrote a funny yet shitty version for myself, dont read unless you've read the epilogues, i dont give a single fuck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-13
Updated: 2019-05-13
Packaged: 2020-03-02 11:38:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,117
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18810133
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ironicbird/pseuds/ironicbird
Summary: John stared at his two options, waiting for the reader or possibly IT WAS DIRK THE WHOLE TIME (dun dun dun) to make his decision."uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh," said John.Roxy and Callie watched as John pondered."uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...i'll take neither k thx bye," said John, as he yeeted both the meat and the candy through a hole in canon. The meat splattered on a random Dirk's face somewhere in the universe just to be poetic cinema. The candy went into fridge Gamzee was still trapped in. He motherfuckin ate some of that glorious sugar sweet but then it got stuck in his throat and choked him to death. Justice.---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Basically as the title says fuck the epilogues I'm puppet master now. Get shrekt Dirk.





	fuck the epilogues, i'm puppet master now

**Author's Note:**

> A warning: this is supposed to be shit. it's not a well-written fix it fic. it's a kinda ironic play off of the epilogues that hopefully would make dave strider proud, but if it wouldnt, then i was tired as fuck when I wrote this so it's not my best. Anyways enjoy!
> 
> P.S. this make much more sense if youve read the epilogues

"JOHN YOUVE GOTTA GO FIX/SAVE/FINISH CANON BLUH," said Rose, in much more elegant words.

"uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh," said John.

"john les have a picnic," said Roxy, before John could do the fix/save/finish canon thing.

"yoU have to choose between meat or candy to eat," said Calliope (i think)

"uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh," said John.

Meanwhile, the poor reader was awfully confused about why this all fucking matters and probably selected meat or candy at complete random, unwittingly sealing their path down either a clusterfuck of who is really pulling the strings or an extremely depressing discussion of adult topics and depression.

John stared at his two options, waiting for the reader or possibly IT WAS DIRK THE WHOLE TIME (dun dun dun) to make his decision.

"uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh," said John.

Roxy and Callie watched as John pondered.

"uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...i'll take neither k thx bye," said John, as he yeeted both the meat and the candy through a hole in canon. The meat splattered on a random Dirk's face somewhere in the universe just to be poetic cinema. The candy went into fridge Gamzee was still trapped in. He motherfuckin ate some of that glorious sugar sweet but then it got stuck in his throat and choked him to death. Justice.

"wait you gotta pick one," said Roxy.

"well its too late for that they're both gone now. sorry to ruin your picnic i just can't deal with this right now," said John, as he absconded the fuck out of that mundane yet somehow INCREDIBLY IMPORTANT picnic.

Meanwhile Dirk, sensing that his plans of becoming his ultimate self were foiled again by John's decision, let out a loud "GOD FUCKING DAMMIT" and began climbing the tower to die. But then he suddenly comes to the realization that he doesn't need a villain character to fight or to become a villain character to find purpose in life and instead that he can find purpose in himself and his friends and decides not to yeet of a building and decapitate himself a-fucking-gain.

John starts heading back to his home to isolate himself again in his bottomless pit of depression when he also suddenly realizes that he can find purpose in himself and in his friends and decides to try and go build human connections with his friends and ectofamily that gets weirdly referenced way more as his "ectofamily" in the prologues than it ever did in the original comic. (And yes that's a callout)

John starts with Jane and basically atomic bitch slaps the xenophobia and rapist tendencies out of her. Turns out when she isn't hyper-influenced by her upbringing she's actually quite a swell gal. John then moves onto Jake, where he gives him some FUCKING PANTS, which causes much of his fanbase to stop being so obsessed about his ass (Jane and Dirk in-fucking-cluded. This allows Jake to take a break from the spotlight for a bit and enjoy some personal time exploring Earth C. Just the separation from all of the attention from his fans and his friends and his adventures allows him to gain some confidence and come into himself a bit more.

Meanwhile Roxy is chillin cause Roxy doesn't need John to find meaning. Roxy just finds meaning on his own and climbs up a hill to yell "fuk gender i do what i want."

Dirk realizes upon his failure to become Homestuck's Next Top Villain that the best way to get out of his own head and his own ego is to interact with other fucking people so he decides to start his own TV talk show where he helps random callers with their various problems. Instead of playing puppet master to fuck with his friends and family, he gets to indirectly play puppet master positively in people's lives by helping them solve their problems. It gets him out of his comfort zone which also helps him get his head out of his ass.

As for Jadedavekat, Jade actually develops a shred of self-awareness and realizes the strain her presence is having on Dave and Karkat and decides that just being friends with them is good enough. Besides, her apparently enormous libido is too much for the two (probably still virgins) to handle. She takes her condoms and her bras and yeets herself to the nearest orgy I guess. She eventually finds love in a hopeless place, and is happier knowing that she didn't inadvertently wreck a meaningful relationship between two of her friends.

After Jade leaves, Dave and Karkat play the whole "skirting around the whole love thing" for a bit, but then literally everyone is like oh my god kiss already so in their own time they do. And once they do, they realize how stupid they were before to not confess their feelings earlier because neither one of them could live without the other and thus Davekat was canon. (Without Dirk having to pull strings to do so)

Once John forged his own path by yeeting the meat and the candy away, Rose's headaches and body-wrenching agony faded as well. John once again ripping through canon further separated this timeline from everything else, which allowed Rose to pull herself back together. She enjoys a happy life with Kanaya like they fucking deserve.

Also Terezi finds Vriska and they both return to Earth C just cause they deserve a nice ending too.

But what happened to the government? you rudely ask, as if the happiness im trying to weave into this story isn't enough for you. What happens without Jane pulling the strings? you interrupt again.

My answer is: not fuckin xenophobia

Obama rises from the ashes because yes we can and becomes president. He appoints Dave as minister of the economy and Karkat as secretary of troll affairs. It's the smoothest fuckin government this side of Skaia and no species are unfairly treated as a result.

Are you happy now?

No, you say, this ending is too happy. Where is all the ANGST?

My answer to that one is: shut the fuck up and let me have this. i am the puppet master now. not you, not dirk, and not alternate whatever the fuck calliope. this is my story now bitches.

Anyways, it turns out in the end if at least one person can pull their head out of their ass and not be afraid to tell the others what the fuck theyre doing wrong from the BEGINNING (not when you're in your forties *cough john cough*) that people can actually overcome their childhoods and trauma and band together to become strong people. Are they perfect? Fuck no. But working together they can be pretty damn close.

The fucking sappy as shit End

**Author's Note:**

> hope you enjoyed. wrote this in like an hour. probably shit but idgaf. if you've actually read this far let me know what you thot in those comments yall.


End file.
